Questioning

I look around and find, again, that I don't belong here. There are those with clear goals in mind and those with countless opportunities to choose from. I am one of the few people who lingers on the list of programs you can get into here at College of Dupage. I've gone through the list maybe a hundred times, trying to picture myself with a goofy chef's hat or perhaps a quill and parchment. None stick to mind. Each time I wake up early for another day of seemingly pointless education, the more I don't want to be there. I'd be much more enthused about going if I had an idea in mind of what I wanted to do with my future. And to be honest, maybe I'm beginning to realize that I don't want to do anything. Maybe I just want a simple life, with a simple job, so that I can focus on raising a family. Maybe that's what I really want. But there are too many people to let down, and I'm not ready to handle certain guilt again. I'm just hoping that what I should be doing will jump out at me and say, "HEY, THIS IS IT!" But that's only wishful thinking.

Something else that gets me down about college and my future: my blatant lack of effort and setting high goals for myself. Most of the people I graduated with in high school are either striving for the best or making sure that they're on the path to greatness. Me, I'm just trying to get by. I don't dislike those people for doing better than me, not at all, I'm more envious of their determination and intelligence. Besides, it's my own fault anyway for being where I am today. I can't blame anyone but myself. And it takes a lot of courage to change such deep habits, but courage is just something I don't quite have.