Hey, this is crazy, but...

Hey, this is crazy, but...I drunk texted you yesterday morning and I'm not sure what to say to you next time I see you? Let me explain. This guy I've met before at these things, we were talking animatedly about relationships. I remembered, once upon a really long time ago, you asking me if I knew anybody that I could hook you up with. Well you see, this guy just got out of a bad relationship and was currently dealing with it. I didn't suggest that he date you, but for whatever reason I started talking about you and how you got out of a bad relationship too and how he had changed who you were. I sobbed a little and told him how I wish I had my sister back as I proceeded to show him pictures of you from my phone. He commented, "She's cute." and that was it.

I still have your handwritten "El Scorcho" lyrics on a piece of notebook paper hanging on my bulletin board. You always wrote me little things. And I've kept every drawing as well. Sometimes when I really miss you, I sit in this chair and look through everything you've ever given me. Makes me feel like I still have a connection to who you were.

Good 'ol Days

Been thinking lately, about loneliness. How stupid it is that it can still thrive when there's loved ones all around you. I'm missing something, another point of view. I think it's friendship. Not friends you meet through a boyfriend, your own friends that you worked hard to establish a relationship with. Girl friends, someone you can talk to about really dumb girl things that don't mean anything. I met all my "friends" through my boyfriend. It wasn't hard to get along because 1. they're boys, girls are stupid and 2. well, I see them often because my boyfriend does. I've been thinking about friendships that seem a thousand years old, way back in that place we call high school. We aren't friends anymore, I lost my way and so did she. The other just talks to me occasionally. There wasn't a single thing we didn't do together, the three of us. I miss those days.

I'll never stop appreciating everything my mother is.

Today I made a remarkable breakthrough with my mother, about something that I have been wanting her to recognize and understand for herself. You see, she has always requested my effort into fixing things with my younger sister, no matter how many times she has hurt me and no matter the fact that she was the cause of distress in our relationship. Before, I would try and try- I would do anything I could to make things more normal, because it's what my mother wanted and I knew that it would make her happy. But every time I was set up for failure, all of my effort thrown in my face. Today, she requested that I try again since my sister and I haven't spoken a word since she left for college. I whole heatedly explained the pain I go through each time I try and get knocked down, how I have learned from experience and now I've just given up. I told her that I understood why she had these expectations of me. I'm her oldest daughter and therefore I should be the better person, the better role model. I told her I couldn't do it anymore because of fear. And right then she realized it. She said, "I have asked you a lot to try with your sister. And you have tried. Maybe it's time I ask her to try." It was the most wonderful feeling for my mother to finally understand how I felt about all this. It's hard for her to understand sometimes and I realize that. But I know now that if I keep trying to explain the facts, she will begin to see. And her sight is all that I could ever ask for.

Questioning

I look around and find, again, that I don't belong here. There are those with clear goals in mind and those with countless opportunities to choose from. I am one of the few people who lingers on the list of programs you can get into here at College of Dupage. I've gone through the list maybe a hundred times, trying to picture myself with a goofy chef's hat or perhaps a quill and parchment. None stick to mind. Each time I wake up early for another day of seemingly pointless education, the more I don't want to be there. I'd be much more enthused about going if I had an idea in mind of what I wanted to do with my future. And to be honest, maybe I'm beginning to realize that I don't want to do anything. Maybe I just want a simple life, with a simple job, so that I can focus on raising a family. Maybe that's what I really want. But there are too many people to let down, and I'm not ready to handle certain guilt again. I'm just hoping that what I should be doing will jump out at me and say, "HEY, THIS IS IT!" But that's only wishful thinking.

Something else that gets me down about college and my future: my blatant lack of effort and setting high goals for myself. Most of the people I graduated with in high school are either striving for the best or making sure that they're on the path to greatness. Me, I'm just trying to get by. I don't dislike those people for doing better than me, not at all, I'm more envious of their determination and intelligence. Besides, it's my own fault anyway for being where I am today. I can't blame anyone but myself. And it takes a lot of courage to change such deep habits, but courage is just something I don't quite have.