Faker

It's been a while. But I suppose that's how it goes. Feeling like a pill popping faker. Feels like me, but isn't. Not completely. Feeling empty, feeling blue, feeling lost, feeling lonely. All these feels and there's just one me. Too much to face on my own, but got no one else. Don't wanna walk alone but don't wanna be part of this disgusting race. Each day I hate human beings more and more. They're selfish, ungrateful, and mean. So then I guess I hate myself since I am a human being. However, I don't think that I am selfish, ungrateful, or mean. So then what am I? Am I in between or nothing at all? I don't know which I'd rather be. Either would probably be better. I am good, I swear I am. So then why don't I feel good?

To Keep in Mind:

• Continue eating healthy
• Learn to be happy with yourself, as an individual
• Drink more water
• Keep busy, lest your mind wanders to negative things- which brings me to:
• Don't think so much!

Nos Vemos Luego

I was finally able to send my little sister off to college this year. Gonna really miss her. I feel better knowing where she is rather than imagining it though. Can't wait to start my visits. :)

Untitled (A poem by my mommy!)

I'm so proud of my mom! She wrote her very first poem and asked me to edit it a little bit. Might do some more editing on it, but so far I think it sounds good. :)

Hold my hand while we walk

the streets, hold me tight

while we watch the sunset

Look into my eyes

while we make love

You guarded your heart

and I didn't know how

to protect mine

Without love for many years-

I let you in, I thought you were kind

I thought you were true

I know now you're beginning

a new journey, a journey

where you will meet others

find yourself, find your peace

But if you do not want love,

don't hold their hand, or watch

sunsets or look into their eyes

Because when it's time

to say goodbye, they will miss you

with a broken heart

Same Old

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked the questions, "Where do you go to school and what are you going for?" It ceaselessly follows me like a drenched dog that you don't want shaking it's slobbery, wet body by you. But oh, it shakes, and leaves you feeling slimey, gross, and wondering, 'How the hell did I end up here?'

These are not simple small-talk questions that you can ask me, people!

There are hidden complexities, uncertainty, and an array of other ridiculous emotions that come with asking these questions. I've grown so numb to the familiar words that all I utter now is "I don't know" to get them all to shut up and stop reminding me of the misery I face in my own head every day. I apologize for not muttering something exciting like Geneticist or Doctor to make your miserable day a little better. This is me, remember? I do the bare minimum and get by- do you really think I have planned that far ahead? By now, most of the people I went to high school with are rolling in a steep salary. Good for them, but as much as I'd like to be making that kind of money, I'd like to figure out how to get there first by taking my time.

As of right now, I am regrettably attending college to quell my parent's desires. That's how it's been since I started. But hopefully soon, I will start attending college for me too, for something that I actually want to learn about as a career.

A Death

I came home from work one day last week and Reno was dead.

He had caught something that made him very sick, very quickly. Even though I did all I could, I was frantic, upset, and most of all- I felt like it was my fault. Just a rat? Think of it this way: a living creature I took care of for almost two years and had the privilege of seeing every single day is now buried in a box under a tree at my parent's house. Now isn't that sad? I loved that goofy little guy, and sure I still have two left, but it's not the same. He was one of the first rats I ever owned and he hadn't even lived to his full life. I'm still mortified only a few days later. I can't stop thinking about the suffering.

I'm a very caring person, and when it comes to animals, that caring is multiplied by a million. It's who I've always been. I'll miss my over-eating rat baby forever.