"You've got a warm heart, you've got a beautiful brain. But it's disintegrating, from all the medicine."

Between dealing with depression, the infestation in my home and living out of bags, being broke, working at a retail job where you're taught it's okay for strangers to treat you like scum, not knowing where I'm going to live next year, and falling behind in school because of said problems, I think the worst of it all is feeling numb. The very real numbness where you can touch an object and feel nothing at all- a sort of detachment from the world that is quite scary. But really, you wish that you could physically feel things and in your mind, feel nothing at all. Because that way it would be so much easier to trudge on. And although cloudiness does reside in my mind, it only confuses days, creates memory loss, and affects my perception of time. But all emotions still exist there, hindering these things even more and causing yet more strain- as if I can feel the electrical pulses of information being sent to each nerve painfully, exhaustively. Exhaustion, there's that too. Not being able to stay awake for very long because of an over-stressed body. I could literally sleep in a way that feels like I only breath medicated air that knocks me out and nothing will awaken me. This too is frightening, because being able to distinguish reality from dreams is next to impossible. And all the more scary when you cannot wake from them.

I used to think the medicine would help.