An Impasse

Interview #5: Khols

Currently, everything is painfully hovering within midair. It's out of my control, yes, but it's irritating. I did the best that I could and now it's up to others. I just need to know. I need to know so that I can breakdown once again and trudge on. Or I need to know so that I can celebrate and finally declare an unyielding hardship over. I try not to think about how much hinged on that one interview, just like I tried not to think about it before I did the interview. I went in there fully intent on demolishing it. And I think I might have.

On another note, I am discovering with great sadness my lack of interest in college. I've already decided that it isn't due to laziness brought on by dropping out of my summer course or the fact that I haven't attended for a long period of time in a while. I've found that it's because of discouragement, and the thought that I don't fit in with these people who would give an arm or leg to get a degree in something they deeply care about. The issue I'm beginning to see is one of pure interest. I can't fully agree with myself on a degree that would be fulfilling to me. Am I wrong to choose based solely on that? I suppose that if I wanted an easy life in the future, I shouldn't pick a career that is fulfilling. But, who wants to be miserable doing something they don't care about for the rest of their life? Sometimes I feel like if I wait long enough, the path that I know I should take will light up before me sooner or later. After discussing all this with a friend, she expressed how you cannot wait for it to come to you, you have to go get it. That even with a little interest in something, you have to get more interested. And she's right, but that goes back to the whole "will it be fulfilling" thing if I'm forcing myself to be interested in something. She feels that with enough willingness to try to be interested in it, you eventually will be.

I don't know, it's a confusing time for me right now, and I just hope that it will all be clear soon.