Friday, July 20, 2012
That's Me, the Fool
After all this time you're still the same. You'd think that after months of pain you put me through, you'd try to make it up to me. Guess not.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Yeah.
I'm terrified and excited to attend orientation for my new job tomorrow, it's a really strange high. I hope it all goes well and they like me. After all, they chose me out of a few people. There must have been something in me that they liked. I keep thinking about this weird scenario in my head that after a few months or a year working there, I'll go up to the manager who hired me and ask, "What made you pick me to hire?" I've always been really curious as to why someone chose me whenever I got a new job. I don't know if I'd ever ask though. On another note . . .
If you're skinny-fat, what exactly does that make me? I had no idea the term even existed. I guess it's just another modern invention to make the rest of us feel like crap.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Take THAT, crappy economy!
Finally- a well deserved break! I can freaking live again. I can stop worrying about bills and college. I can stop worrying about disappointing people. Three months of stress, endless self hatred, and a whole lot of hard work, and it all doesn't even matter anymore.
I got a job.
How can something so simple cause such a hindrance in life when you don't have it? Well, it does. And as easy as a pain it can be without it, it can easily be something freeing when you get it. Bliss is all I see, a weight that has over welcomed it's stay has finally lifted and I feel oh so free. I am determined to impress the people I will work with. I'm going to be the best that I can be, because all of my hard work to get where I am has payed off.
I got a job.
How can something so simple cause such a hindrance in life when you don't have it? Well, it does. And as easy as a pain it can be without it, it can easily be something freeing when you get it. Bliss is all I see, a weight that has over welcomed it's stay has finally lifted and I feel oh so free. I am determined to impress the people I will work with. I'm going to be the best that I can be, because all of my hard work to get where I am has payed off.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Unhappiness is Forged
I'm unhappy with myself a lot of times. Don't know why I've always been such a downer about myself. It'd be easier to just . . . not be. But many years have cemented the habit in my head and I know it's impossible for me to think otherwise. It's even more unbearable observing others who are exactly what I want to be. It's almost crushing, and I wonder why it is that they get to be that way and I can't.
1. I wish I was skinny.
2. I wish I had the money to dress the way I want.
3. I wish I had the creativity to dress the way I want.
4. I wish I had a job.
5. I wish I could decide my future career.
6. I wish I had more manageable hair.
7. I wish I didn't live in a dump where people get shot and raped all the time.
8. I wish I had my own dog and cat.
9. I wish I was more confident.
10. I wish I was more crafty and artistic.
2. I wish I had the money to dress the way I want.
3. I wish I had the creativity to dress the way I want.
4. I wish I had a job.
5. I wish I could decide my future career.
6. I wish I had more manageable hair.
7. I wish I didn't live in a dump where people get shot and raped all the time.
8. I wish I had my own dog and cat.
9. I wish I was more confident.
10. I wish I was more crafty and artistic.
11. I wish I was a better writer.
Woe is me, right? It could be so much worse. I could have no legs and an eye patch. But come on, everyone's got things they wish they could change about themselves. It isn't a crime nor tragedy, and I understand that if you want things changed you've got to do it yourself. However, some things are just unchangeable.
Ratty Updates
So the boys have become massive compared to their baby forms a few months ago. However, the three of us have run into a bit of a rough patch. I asked Rat Forum about my specific problems and they were quite helpful. I'm going to try the ideas they gave me for a while to see if there will be any improvement on their behavior. On another note, their cage needs some revamping/remodeling. It's a little to boring for their tastes, lol.
VoilĂ
Here it is folks- the lime shrimp avocado pasta salad I've been bragging about making. I haven't tried it yet, just sampled the flavor, and I think it's gonna be tasty. This is where I got the recipe.
Brad's Story
This right here. Things like that truly amaze me. It's been a while since I've read anything inspiring. What I would give to do something fantastic and use my experiences to write a tale of my adventures. I think that's where raw, great writing comes from. But to muster the guts to change your own life- that's the challenging part. I wish that I could do something extraordinary, something that would inspire others. Alas, I am as ordinary as they come and am held back by ordinary things.
I try to envision myself in Brad's shoes and I find that it just doesn't work. If someone pulled a knife on me while I was alone at a train station at night and I retaliated by pulling a knife as well, like Brad did, I don't think the stranger would back off. Danger is more . . . apparent, I feel, for women. It's the whole "women are weaker than men" thing. The idea today is that women are much easier to take down than men. As much as I don't want to admit it's true, it's true to say the stranger with the knife. It's quite sad how the separation of gender hold women back (totally not trying to be a feminist kook here). I mean, Brad's couchsurfing experiences could also be a danger for a women. On the other hand, maybe danger is selective. Maybe it hasn't anything to do with gender at all. Maybe Brad got lucky and danger could happen to anyone.
Anyway, just thought I'd share Brad's amazing story. He's actually inspired a few other people to go out and do something extraordinary.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Names
I love my name. Is that weird?
I love the simplicity and the uniqueness of it, I love how pretty it sounds when it's said. Thanks, mom and dad, for choosing such a great name for me. :)
Hello, Random Insomnia
The extent of insomnia I've experienced up until now is waking up several times in the middle of the night. Last night was a huge exception, and I can't really explain it. I just remember being so awake that I could literally stay up forever (and I did). I couldn't understand why I wasn't tired, but wired. Maybe it was because I read some creepy shit about stupid spiders last night on reddit (search: goodbye sleep) and felt all crawly afterwards. Anyway, the whole thing was frustrating and I didn't fall asleep until after Greg's school alarm went off at 7am this morning . . . what's worse is that I only got three hours of sleep and that was it. Not being able to sleep is rare for me. I wonder what's got me?
Foundation
I firmly believe that some people are born with a knack for something, a skill that later on they realize and harness to it's full potential. I also believe that I wasn't born one of these people. Others will argue that a person is good at something by becoming good at it. But honestly, if you take a look at all of these talented people in the world, they're skilled because of the foundation they were born with. Through effortless practice, they became even more skilled. There is so much that I want to be good at, like art or writing or music. But people born without the foundation for those things won't have the potential to do them. I know what you're thinking- that's ridiculous. And I know that I can't sit idly by wishing that I was good at this or that, I have to go for it. But what stops me every time is the thought that I'm not good enough.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Untitled
An old ticket in hand
and the future in my pocket
All aboard the ship of dreams
Synced hearts equipped
to take on the world
We all waved and howled
as the ship set sail
on a blanket of blue
The ship left the dock,
but I wasn't on it
I'm better off ashore
and the future in my pocket
All aboard the ship of dreams
I've seen them all before
of a similar nature
Strapping young men
Intelligent young women
of a similar nature
Strapping young men
Intelligent young women
Synced hearts equipped
to take on the world
We all waved and howled
as the ship set sail
on a blanket of blue
The ship left the dock,
but I wasn't on it
I'm better off ashore
Culinary Madness
I've been cooking like a fool lately . . . looking up recipes and trying them out. Trying out new things. Next up, lime shrimp avocado pasta salad. Yum. I should really put up pictures of this stuff.
Babies, Babies, Everywhere
I know right? What a totally random and strange topic for me to write about . . . But I had this amazing dream this morning where I was just brimming with total and complete happiness. Like teary-eyed happiness. In my dream . . . I was a mother to a baby girl and a baby boy. Two beautiful, curly headed children. Greg usually wakes me up in the morning before he goes to school or work, but this morning I barely payed attention to his goodbye because I was right in the middle of this reverie. I mumbled an "I love you, have a great day" and went back to sleep as fast as I could. I did soon enough, and there it was again- the same glorious reverie. I swear, I must have been smiling in my sleep because I was smiling so much in my dream. I was so happy with my babies and Greg. I woke up several times in the morning, each time trying with all my might to go back to sleep and enter the same dream again. It was so . . . great. I'm only 21 years old, I shouldn't be thinking about this sort of thing. But considering the relationship I have with Greg and just the thought of how ridiculously adorable our children will be, I can't help it. Is it weird that I can't wait to be a mother? I know my priorities, though. I can't bring children into my horribly poor lifestyle. I'll wait for now, but hopefully for not too long.
An Impasse
Interview #5: Khols
Currently, everything is painfully hovering within midair. It's out of my control, yes, but it's irritating. I did the best that I could and now it's up to others. I just need to know. I need to know so that I can breakdown once again and trudge on. Or I need to know so that I can celebrate and finally declare an unyielding hardship over. I try not to think about how much hinged on that one interview, just like I tried not to think about it before I did the interview. I went in there fully intent on demolishing it. And I think I might have.
On another note, I am discovering with great sadness my lack of interest in college. I've already decided that it isn't due to laziness brought on by dropping out of my summer course or the fact that I haven't attended for a long period of time in a while. I've found that it's because of discouragement, and the thought that I don't fit in with these people who would give an arm or leg to get a degree in something they deeply care about. The issue I'm beginning to see is one of pure interest. I can't fully agree with myself on a degree that would be fulfilling to me. Am I wrong to choose based solely on that? I suppose that if I wanted an easy life in the future, I shouldn't pick a career that is fulfilling. But, who wants to be miserable doing something they don't care about for the rest of their life? Sometimes I feel like if I wait long enough, the path that I know I should take will light up before me sooner or later. After discussing all this with a friend, she expressed how you cannot wait for it to come to you, you have to go get it. That even with a little interest in something, you have to get more interested. And she's right, but that goes back to the whole "will it be fulfilling" thing if I'm forcing myself to be interested in something. She feels that with enough willingness to try to be interested in it, you eventually will be.
I don't know, it's a confusing time for me right now, and I just hope that it will all be clear soon.
Currently, everything is painfully hovering within midair. It's out of my control, yes, but it's irritating. I did the best that I could and now it's up to others. I just need to know. I need to know so that I can breakdown once again and trudge on. Or I need to know so that I can celebrate and finally declare an unyielding hardship over. I try not to think about how much hinged on that one interview, just like I tried not to think about it before I did the interview. I went in there fully intent on demolishing it. And I think I might have.
On another note, I am discovering with great sadness my lack of interest in college. I've already decided that it isn't due to laziness brought on by dropping out of my summer course or the fact that I haven't attended for a long period of time in a while. I've found that it's because of discouragement, and the thought that I don't fit in with these people who would give an arm or leg to get a degree in something they deeply care about. The issue I'm beginning to see is one of pure interest. I can't fully agree with myself on a degree that would be fulfilling to me. Am I wrong to choose based solely on that? I suppose that if I wanted an easy life in the future, I shouldn't pick a career that is fulfilling. But, who wants to be miserable doing something they don't care about for the rest of their life? Sometimes I feel like if I wait long enough, the path that I know I should take will light up before me sooner or later. After discussing all this with a friend, she expressed how you cannot wait for it to come to you, you have to go get it. That even with a little interest in something, you have to get more interested. And she's right, but that goes back to the whole "will it be fulfilling" thing if I'm forcing myself to be interested in something. She feels that with enough willingness to try to be interested in it, you eventually will be.
I don't know, it's a confusing time for me right now, and I just hope that it will all be clear soon.
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