Strange Reveries

I can't even express just how messed up my dreams have been lately. I don't know if it's the cool air and the heat of the summer mixing at night, making me sleep uncomfortably because I'm overheating and cold at the same time...or what. But boy, the things that go through my head while I sleep amaze me when I wake from them. Sometimes I believe I'm crazy or something. I'm not sure, there must be some kind of explanation. The way I'm interpreting the dream I had last night is something will happen to one of my family members due to the actions of another family member and it will be catastrophic. And then something will happen to me, I will obtain some kind of ailment. There was no death, fortunately, but there were a lot of tears and screaming, which was creepy enough.

Reality

What more can I possibly do to up my chances of getting a job? Can't I catch a break just once? It's almost been three months. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up- every dime is worth a fortune to me now and I absolutely HATE it. I don't want to worry every second whether or not I'm going to be able to live comfortably in the next few weeks. Because that's just about how much of my savings is left, enough for the next few weeks. After that, then what? My dad says he has a plan and tells me not to worry about it. Don't worry about it? Really? That's a joke. Not only are my money problems affecting me, they will be affecting other people soon as well when I can't pay my half of the rent and bills. And when every cent is gone, I can't go to school anymore because I pay out of pocket. Don't worry? Whatever, I'm very worried.

Wake up and face the truth...as bleak as it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one brave enough to see the truth of it all. Most other people are either blind or careless of it because of fear. Everyone feels like they need a purpose, a reason to keep going. Something that tells them that all of it isn't worthless. There's nothing wrong with that, but you can't ignore the truth that...nothing really matters. Everything we know is nothing. We are all built with our unique expiration date. We are all told from birth the sequence we must live. And we all end up striving for the common goal, the common life, when we all know that sooner or later we are going to die.

How cruel to be given such a temporary existence. And what's worse is how long our species have been on this earth with absolutely nothing to show for. If you really think that a strong military, advanced technology, and a civilized society is something to show for, that's just ridiculous. I see a force of murderers, a lazy future, and a society of people with sticks shoved so far up their asses. But I'm not even sure what something is good to show for. I don't know where we went wrong. Who's decision was it to declare this world one of competition, greed, money, war, hate? The list goes on. Who decided such structure and etiquette. Children must get an education in order to get a job to make lots and lots of money because that will surely make them happy. That is so unbelievably screwed up. All we're doing is raising generations and generations of money hungry assholes. Oh, but look at me. None of that really matters anyway, does it?

Another Day in Loserville

Application #20: Nordstrom Rack

Just like dust in the wind, I solemnly observe my fortune wither away. All I can do is watch all my planning, my state of life, my dreams, my future- scatter away from me in a simple breeze. For all these significant things are directly possible with a steady income, something I no longer have. I can only keep trying and hoping that I might find something before my funds completely expire. Past that, I'm not sure what would happen. It's dark, because that's exactly what it will be- nothing. I will have nothing and therefore I will be nothing. I feel the pressure of limited time bearing down on me as if I were a child in trouble. And a child in trouble, I am. 

"Love was always cruel."

Before I met you, I had already come to terms with myself that I might as well get used to being happy alone. This is a white blank page and a swelling rage for showing me the glorious glimmer of hope but then painfully snatching that away.

We were the same. We knew not of the warmth of love and it's beauty, we hadn't a clue of companionship and dependability, and most unfortunately of all we knew too much of something called loneliness. It had started as an idea planted inside our unsuspecting heads. Young and naive as we were, we accepted it. We were two explorers who had stumbled upon precious, undiscovered territory. Most of what was happening in reality I cannot recall because I used to live in a blissful reverie. The effects of the idea had done it's way with me, so I was often lost in my pool of thoughts, my head swollen with imagery of the future. I realize now though that we had taken the idea two very different ways. He had kept it at that: just an idea, while my mind flooded with all sorts of possibilities. You would cast your line out knowing that I'd be reeled in every single time. And when I waited for your line or coaxed it myself, you wouldn't cast. I see now that you desired my attention but denied my affections. Both of our plants had been watered with misconceptions and shined down on by mediocrity. The ending result sprouted two artificial flowers. I plucked that fake flower from my head and gave it a home inside my heart. And I took great care of that stupid little flower. So tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart. You had left your own plastic flower dying in your head because you were beginning to see again- the reality. But the way you viewed this reality was irrational in my eyes. You designed an excuse that wouldn't permit us. I didn't want to believe your change in heart until it finally broke through my reverie and shattered it. I was thrown into inner chaos, and the sham had spread an illness in my heart I had never known before. I had never carried something so heavy in my life. And my fake flower I had looked after for so long- it crumbled and died. You did not think when you sent me to the brink. My face had become someone else's, my vision gray and unfocused. I despised the taste of food and observed my frame shrinking as the days passed oh so slow. I had stopped caring about everything. I was losing myself and I didn't know how to stop it. There was a design, an alignment, a cry of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be. I know we had been nothing more than an idea, but it had brought me into that circle of happiness where everyone else was gathered. I just wanted to be part of that.

Awake my soul. But oh happy day, when I should feast my eyes upon a real live angel with the purest of blue eyes. In that moment, I knew. I knew that none of what I was going through mattered. I knew that the anguish was necesarry, that my suffering was life's way of making me hold out a little longer- so that I could meet the one whom I'd be with for the rest of my life. The one who would save me from my sorrows. I had finally discovered the answer I had been searching for, that love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free. You were incredibly persistent and patient with my troubles, and if you hadn't come along, I don't think that I would have gotten better so quickly. To the other, I only say this: Weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart. Weep little lion man, you're not as brave as you were at the start. Take all the courage you have left, wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. Frightened. You were a frightened mouse, stunned with fear when you realized you were getting close to someone. That sudden withdrawal killed me more than you will ever know. You need to learn to accept the fact that where you invest your love, you invest your life. If you cannot accept this truth, perhaps it was best that you did not pursue me. Fear got the best of you dear, and now you are alone.

Blood Beats Water

Stumbled upon this old entry of mine I wrote a long time ago. I found it among my drafts. It seems fitting now.


Hate is poison. When we were kids, we often threw that word at each other but never meant it. It means something to me now, and when you use it against me it's a stake to the heart. It's not something that can be taken lightly. Once you say it, it's engraved forever in the heart and mind of the person who you set aim to. Your inner turmoil: roots tainted with hatred overgrowing and crushing you from the inside out. It will destroy every fiber of who you are if you let it reign free.

"There's a chip on your shoulder, girl
and by God it'll make you fall
if you let it take a part of your soul.

And due to a pressing concern that only YOU know about, you've left us- your family- dazed in the rage path you left behind. You complain about lack of communication in our unit. Don't be a hypocrite and do exactly what you whine about. You must DO what you preach.

I see the love in your brother's eyes
and the love in your mother's cries-
Sister don't test the ones you love.

Sister don't let go-
Sister don't let go of us.

So if this is what you initially wanted, you will receive. You can dig up garbage I've done in the past but nothing will ever equal to what you've done. You're turning your back on blood for something you mistakenly feel is far better. Nothing will ever replace your family no matter how hard you try to find candidates. And when you've finished taking a sledge hammer to our family portrait, you will feel the familiar feeling of regret setting in once again. But apologies won't suffice this time.

Cause your roots will rot away
and your fruit, it wont grow.
Your bark will wear thin, body hollow.

I did nothing but try to aid you in your adolescent quest for answers. I will be the first to say it because I'm not a coward like you, who runs away from the truth. He may bring you happiness, but if a person has enough influence on you to turn you against your own blood, I only hope that some day soon you will realize how disturbing that truly is. The piercing words I won't ever let you take back are mine to keep for a lifetime. So I'm finished trying. From here on out, you're on your own. This song was always intended for you, not me.

Don't test the ones you love
it'll only tear us down.
If you want to feel alive
then learn to love your ground."

Brothers & Hugs

Here are some updated pictures of Reno and Rusty. They certainly have gotten big!