And I said, "You can't make everybody happy."

He said, "You'd like to at least make yourself happy though."

I am a person who will always seek to make others happy before myself. I deny myself happiness, I disbelieve in my possible happiness. I shield myself from it because I truly believe that I don't deserve it. Others deserve it before myself. But what I'm figuring out is that if I am unhappy, it's near to impossible to achieve my goal of making others happy. Sure, I can fake it any chance that is easy enough, but sometimes it isn't so easy. It's so clear that my happiness will bring others happiness- it's a natural chain. But I am determined to overlook this simple fact because any pure happiness that touches me, I feel, is taint. And that's so messed up to think that way, but I can't stop myself. I see the way your lips move to the word "love" but I make myself deaf to your voice. I can't believe you because it's not true, I can't believe you because it's true. I am realizing that maybe I am genetically unable to receive love. This scares me, because it jeopardizes so much potential for us.