Moving

I have changed blogging websites because, frankly, blogger is horrendous. Please continue reading on at: http://fleetink.wordpress.com/

My Friend: Sleep

I find that sleeping makes things easier. I could go to sleep right now and not have to worry about all the math problems I don't understand that will help me graduate next year. I could do the same tomorrow or even the next day if I'd like. Sleep puts your worries, fears, and stress all under a pillow that way they're all muffled and you can't hear their little voices calling out your name. But I know that sleep isn't always good to me. It makes me miss important things and makes it hard to get out of bed. But for right now, I'll choose sleep. It puts my mind at ease.

Step 1

After screaming at myself in my car for the second time, I realized something for the first time in a long time. It is necessary that I be completely alone in this mind and body healing process. Others may adamantly disagree, like my family and friends, but they need to listen to the reason why. In the short moment I stopped screaming angrily at myself for being a sad person, I realized that I had realized this all on my own- without talking to loved ones or a therapist. I am sad, and I am absolutely furious about it. Because it turns strangers away with a frown, worries my loved ones, strains goals set for myself, and threatens my relationships. I believe that realizing what I am, where I stand on it, and what it does to everything around me is the first step to getting better. But the road ahead is long and twisted, sometimes dark but sometimes light, cold, but also warm. But most importantly, paths blocked by trees, but other paths hiding nearby.

"....The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

- Robert Frost

Artificial (Revised)

Feeling good today          the sun's glimmering like little jewels in stale light          though the wind is brutally cold I don't mind it at all          letting things roll off my sleeve like water droplets on green leaves in a breeze          have nothing to think about          nothing to worry about          just the free feeling I was given today and though I wonder if this wonderful feeling is artificial          hand crafted by brain power in a lab          in the form of a peach tablet smaller than a pea          is this me          I don't know          maybe it's a new me ready to take on the world          but I can't help but be afraid that maybe I was better off the way I was          because it was all I knew          now I'm steadfast on a journey of becoming something new          uncharted territory          discovering things maybe eyes were not meant to see          like riches at the bottom of the sea          but I take a long look around and my environment is augmented in ways that I cannot explain          color is beautiful          people are happier          because hey          I'm happier          and though the definition of happiness is different for some          I think that this is what it is for me          and the help I needed to get here was all that I need.

"You've got a warm heart, you've got a beautiful brain. But it's disintegrating, from all the medicine."

Between dealing with depression, the infestation in my home and living out of bags, being broke, working at a retail job where you're taught it's okay for strangers to treat you like scum, not knowing where I'm going to live next year, and falling behind in school because of said problems, I think the worst of it all is feeling numb. The very real numbness where you can touch an object and feel nothing at all- a sort of detachment from the world that is quite scary. But really, you wish that you could physically feel things and in your mind, feel nothing at all. Because that way it would be so much easier to trudge on. And although cloudiness does reside in my mind, it only confuses days, creates memory loss, and affects my perception of time. But all emotions still exist there, hindering these things even more and causing yet more strain- as if I can feel the electrical pulses of information being sent to each nerve painfully, exhaustively. Exhaustion, there's that too. Not being able to stay awake for very long because of an over-stressed body. I could literally sleep in a way that feels like I only breath medicated air that knocks me out and nothing will awaken me. This too is frightening, because being able to distinguish reality from dreams is next to impossible. And all the more scary when you cannot wake from them.

I used to think the medicine would help.