Alone Again

Alone again to contend with my troubles. Just me, my troubles, and the cold I developed from yesterday's hysteria. My state of being alone is no fault of anyone this time, but nevertheless, it is still loneliness. I've hardened my mind, there's no way I'll cave. I cave because I'm too good a person and want to keep helping those who hurt me over and over. Because I feel like there is hope for them to change their ways. But through experience, change has never happened, and my endless servitude to these people is wasted time and time again.

It's a simple moral I hold that those you help should feel gratitude towards you and help you in return. But I suppose not everyone knows this simple act of human kindness. It's like what I've been learning in ethics class- one of the ethical theories is Individual Subjectivism. Moral goodness is defined by what an individual feels like doing. And any other individual's contrasting morals will be seen as wrong by the first individual. So maybe my moral isn't quite universal, I see that, but somehow it has to be right.

Home Alone, Just Me and My Troubles

And just as immediate and unrelenting as it had so many times before, the rush of it comes over me again- the staggering pain, the flimsy body, the numbed mind- all of it so quaintly familiar and oh so heavy. I'd take a bullet in exchange for such agonizing pain. The ability to care is no quality, no good characteristic of a person, it is just a very complex weakness. Because it is so easy to care for someone, but it is even easier for that someone to let you down, to give nothing in return. That truly is the most painful thing. I reexamine the last two years of my life and see something that could have been great.

I find myself glancing out my window, hoping to see you coming back, giving yourself a second chance to prove how much you say you care. But you aren't there, you left knowing that pain and sadness would be my company. The most heinous of crimes. No one should be left alone to contend with pain and sadness, it's one of the most putrid acts a human can commit. I'd have rather given an arm or leg than leave you in the state of mind you have left me in. Nothing, not even the forces of God or nature could have made me leave you. Little did you know that all the words of love you spouted, any meaning of it, was gone the second you stepped out that door.

You talk a lot for someone who supposedly cares and loves. You can say the same things a thousand times, a thousand different ways, and at first it might be inviting. But over time, consistent talk and no action make your words empty. Your mouth is just a broken record. 

And this thing I write on often- you don't care of it enough to remember to give it a glance, knowing how much it would mean to me.

Puppy Love

I knew that it would happen soon. We were already rocky, but I knew just one more stress out and the truth would be revealed. We don't feel the same anymore and we've changed. I stress out and get angry more and he loses his effortlessly maintained patience. This wasn't how I envisioned it would go, but I suppose back then, love made me light headed. No, we were supposed to be happy all the time, we were supposed to be perfect, we were supposed to be the pair that would face mainstream relationship problems head on and get through them. We were supposed to be together forever. But forever is a very long time.

My Teachers

It's been a while...and that's because it's been a while since I've had the time to say anything. It's been busy, and that's an understatement. I'm tired most days and everyday I feel more like my parents when they come home from work- I just want to wind down and vegetate. School begins this Tuesday and I'm not particularly excited, and not particularly dreading it. As of right now I'm going with a flow and I take things as they go.

I've temporarily become an only child starting today. I remember counting down the days until it would happen. I kept telling myself it's what each member in my family needed. My parents wouldn't be treated poorly anymore, and in turn, they wouldn't facilitate the bad character that continues to grow within her still. And for us, there would be no more confrontations, and therefore, no more arguing. It's best. I hope with every ounce of my soul that she will come away from her foul personality and become genuinely good. Consistently good, not just sometimes or when she feels like it. I've learned this, and guilt, sadness, and self hatred were my teachers when I had finally realized what I was doing to people I love. Please, while you're away, learn and grow. For your sake and ours.

Not Quite Yet

Here I am again, putting off my blog posts about Jude and my new job. It's not that I hate those situations and don't want to write about them, it's not that at all, it's just the fact that those updates are long stories that I've probably told a hundred times already in person. I guess you can blame my laziness?

Apology to No One

What can I say? I've been putting this post off because it's a mother-of-all-updates kind of post. It's been hectic since I last blogged, and even now I dread to recount it all in writing. I can't let myself get behind again or I'll end up writing nothing because all of my updates keep piling up. But does it matter anyway? Nobody reads this thing, the proof is all there in my blog's statistics. But even so, I feel a certain duty to myself to report all that I experience.