All That is Said

Some things in my life are still not going the way that I want them to...but I'm happy. :)

The Past is Just Past

Warm days like this remind me of our summer days together. The smell of heat and the light breeze seem to be the only things that haven't changed. We, on the other hand, are a different story. More and more each day I am reminded of our memories by simple scenes or objects that I encounter. And I imagine it's because your absence in my life has recently disappeared, as if it had never happened. You did not creep, you jumped back into my life and it's left me reeling and confused. I'm not yet sure if I can accept it. You communicate with me as if you had been my sister this whole time, except with slight caution, like you're testing the water or something. Like you're seeing how far you can let whatever you hid for so long go. I'm not sure if I can forgive so soon, but then I remember my own self on a lost course similar to your own. I recall the anguish, the hatred of myself as I finally realized the damage I had done to the people I was supposed to care about. I held that pain for quite a while, but then figured out that the only way to fix things was to begin healing.

The other night, sitting on those rickety old bleachers I had sat in several hundred times before got me thinking. I would have never forgiven myself if I had not attended such an important milestone in your life.

Six

Six months. Six times that I will miss something important to you. Six times that I will miss your laugh. Six more times that we won't speak. Six times we won't look at each other. Six times we will claim to be an only child. Six more times that we will forget each other's face. Six times we replace each other's love with something else. I despise the number six, but reaching years will be more devastating.

All That Was is Now

Little sister, dear,
do come near:
Tell me, how goes your heart?
Is it twisted, soured from tart?

I wish that you could only see

the rot from which you flee
Are you not worn-
from the torn?

Do you carry as much callous as I?
From the malice in your eye?
Little sister, dear,
do you know of my hidden fear?

For us, the future is bleak
And we stand at a certain peak
Little sister, dear, the way back down
isn't quite sound

That which I yearn
is for you to learn
to call my own, a little space
in your heart's embrace

"Last week I had the strangest dream; where everything was exactly how it seemed."

I dreamt of you last night and I wish that I didn't. I wish that I didn't because I wanted it to be true. You looked the same but older and prettier, as if that were possible. You and I along with our family members were gathered at a circular table on a balcony overlooking a beautiful tropical scene. You needed help with something, and against my better judgement, I offered you my help because no one else would. I followed you on the streets of that tropical place- it reminded me of our trip to Hawaii- and we came upon a marvelous building that you said you now lived in. I thought to myself, how successful you had become on your own and how you had been just fine without me all these years. We entered the building and you muttered how you unfortunately had to live with two completely unliveable boys. I could tell, because our trek to your room consisted of our childhood game "Lava", where we couldn't step on spots that had lava- or in this case, the dirty laundry on the floor. You grabbed something from your room and I followed you back outside. As we exited your home, two unkempt boys walked passed. We didn't say a word, and neither did they. But I turned around suddenly and yelled, "Hey!" They turned around outside the door of the building looking dumbfounded. I animatedly pointed to you, and said, "Hey, yeah, she's my sister. Don't get any freaking ideas." I gave them a devilish look that made them shudder, and we turned away from them, giggling on our way.

It occurs to me now that in my dream, given the state of things similar to now, I would have done anything for you.

Keep it coming, world!

With tremendously great difficulty, I am trying not to become racist. I received a letter in the mail from IDES stating that, "The evidence shows the claimant is attending school on FULL TIME SCHOOL. Since the claimant's school schedule is such that it severely hampers her ability to find suitable work in a large segment of her labor market, her principle occupation is that of a student and she is considered unavailable for work and is ineligible for benefits and will be determined ineligible until she meets the eligibility requirements." 

First of all, I just want to send a heartfelt "fuck you" over to IDES for being just like every other government facility that taints this country. You clearly don't give a fuck about the people out there, like me, who work their asses off to get a good education and also work at the same time in order to afford shelter and food. You're saying that even though I was suddenly fired from a job that I thought was going to be a great opportunity for more hours and pay (and I left a perfectly stable job with less hours to go for it) and because I'm trying to get an education so that I can have a future, that means that I don't have the time to work in order to be able to live somewhere and feed myself? That doesn't make any fucking sense. So I suppose the African American who sits on their ass all day living off unemployment benefits without an education deserves this money the most? That is seriously messed up. In order to receive my benefits, are you seriously suggesting that I drop out of school in order to be "more available to work"? Do you honestly believe that all college students are still living off mommy and daddy? You're fucking wrong. When we lose a job so suddenly, it's serious. We live paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes even less that that. Without a somewhat steady income, our lives crumble instantly. That means we have one week left until we starve, half a tank of gas left until we can't transport ourselves anywhere, a month until we can't pay rent and bills. Sure, I have savings to help me. But I'm paying for school out of pocket. And now I won't be able to finish college, because there's no way I'm getting loans. Finding a job in this hell hole of an economy sucks, and now I have to do it without any sort of backup. Thanks for nothing, IDES. Screw you.

"Suddenly, everything has change."

I wish that there was some powerful, measurable way to make you experience worry, to make you see that the events taking place between us are hurting us. You're a blind mouse, innocent and sweet, overlooking the damage in order to retain your optimistic facade. Confronted by this fact, you recoil from offense and continue to live the lie that you have come to know. And while the fault is on both sides equally, the only difference is that I can identify it instead of ignore it as you do. Change has shaken our world and it's up to us to stop the quaking. But your petty comebacks to the identified problems and easily offended nature are so unbelievably frustrating sometimes that all I can do is distance myself from you and the hurt you put me in. I wonder if you're even afraid of losing me anymore.

"I know you have felt much more love than you've shown."