Keep on Keeping on...

Today was overload. Stress is a nasty thing, and it tends to target those who are already down for the count. Life is so painfully unrelenting, I almost can't bear it. I suffer daily from my troubles. I don't ask for much from the people around me, but simple kind and reassuring words thrown my way is something I wouldn't mind. Understanding from another means a lot. I don't need scoffing or babying or impatience, I need someone to get my situation and either hold me or tell me it's going to be alright. Because really, that's all that keeps me going at this point. For once, I just want things to go right.

"But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from you. And we’ll live a long life."

Life is a game in which there are rules against taking large steps towards your goal. Baby steps are not sturdy, and you may fall. I like to think that I will get there someday, slowly but surely.

"To live is so startling, it leaves but little room for other occupations."

If anyone knew how to tell it straight it was Emily Dickinson. She knew how it all worked, she was superior in the knowledge of how everything is and wasn't afraid to write it aloud. She's a total inspiration and I wish that I could figure things out as easily as she did. I learn much from reading her poems but if she was only still around there's no telling what I could see. Living is far from simplistic and yet we are expected to add more and more things to our lives that it all just weighs it down and causes unhappiness in life. If only we could live with nothing else attached-- now that would be the life.

ZZZZzzzz...

So this happened a while ago. I reached my hand into the boys' igloo while they were sleeping and I started petting Reno. They don't like to be petted (they still don't) but I took a chance while they were all sleepy. As soon as I started petting him he got all noodley and he seemed to like it. Then he shifted his weight onto my hand and put his little head on top of my hand and fell right asleep as I petted him! Let's just say that day I was feeling really down and not to mention worried about their sneezies, and I just teared up because it was so darn cute and it cheered me up. I didn't think he would do that because they were still wary of us at that point. I left my hand like that for what seemed like forever. I didn't want to move because it was so adorable. I can't believe I managed to take a picture.

"I take a look around; it's evident the scene has changed."

Have I finally succumbed to society's endless waste? I have always made it a goal to not give in to the things society imprints on people, but I'm discovering that I am allowing it to happen with one of it's distortions. I look around and see billboards, posters, ads, and commercials with ravishing faces and more importantly- thin frames. A simple curve with no excess, flattering stomachs and arms. A waist someone could wrap their arms around twice if they wanted to. I often observe myself in the mirror and brutally compare myself with those pencily girls. That girl in the mirror is pretty, but it is masked by a hulking frame with over sized limbs and a gelatinous belly. I study her and with each passing second I despise her more and more. She just wants to be shaped like everyone else. She wants to have the entire beautiful package. But she knows it will never be.

Where Bad Things Come From

It is all so unpleasantly clear that I will never be at ease, that it is unlikely for me to find any sort of comfort in this horridly ungrateful "life." The ones who try the hardest are never given the peace of mind, nor the end of the glorious finish line. I curse at something invisible that directs me down this treacherous path. I swear and yell and scream at it every day, "Set me free, I just want things to go right!" I don't think that it's God-- no, it's something putrid that resides in the toxic nothingness above His home, a place where karma is a rigged arcade game and kindness fails. A place where it sits upon it's ugly throne and looks out over all the trying flickers on this world and chooses favorites to send goodness to. Am I just so unworthy, so insignificant a person to have good things happen to? When is it my chance, my break? I grow frustrated with the countless souls who tell me, "That's life, it's how it goes. You just have to keep going." Save your ridiculous babbling, I've heard it so many times before. What I need for you to tell me is HOW. How do I keep going?

Oh- unyielding woe-

Oh- unyielding woe-
the hand doth come again
out from clouds of silk-
coaled and mighty
it is eternity, decision
direction-
ruler and king-
of each flicker on this sphere
and it is most unkind-
to me.

Updates

I took the rats in a while ago for a vet visit and she prescribed baytril. I am happy to report that they have almost made a full recovery from their sneezies. :) And boy can those two EAT. They've grown twice their size in only a couple weeks. I will be posting more pictures soon.

On another note, the Universe can go screw itself. Kthxbye.