Impostor

She stands, an impostor, in front of me and utters ugly nothings at the people we confront. I observe the way she treats others and strains my relationships. I yell and kick and struggle but it is silence and nothing changes. I cringe with the creeping thought that I cannot control the impostor posing as me, so I let her rage her fury and feel the stab of each word she lets loose at the ones I care about, useless to stop it until I can regain control again soon.

Terror

There is a heightened frequency in the night terrors I have been experiencing. They have no sense and they seriously frighten me. I am usually trying to escape something. My reveries are no different than reality it seems.

"It's the sound of the unlocking, the lift away. Your love will be safe with me."

Ah, glory is the day of the birth of my happiness. I hope for more birthdays like this and that my happiness shall never fade. Many a day had passed until I had finally achieved it. I recall a rainy night and the dim glow of lanterns under the gazebo a year ago. His words gripped my troubles in the tightest of grasps and set them free to the atmosphere, leaving only the flutter of birds and warm palpitations of life reviving my battered and chilled chamber.

Keepsake

It was but moments ago that I had purchased a quaint little book with a black spine and light brown cover with the words "Journal" etched into it. Behind it's cover the book contains pages upon pages of blank lines hungry for phrases, ideas, thoughts- anything that can grow within the mind and be able to be spewed onto white, crisp paper. I've taken to a goal that I set for myself at this minute- that I create words from my own understanding and thoughts while out and about the streets of this world and record them into this little notebook. All I can do is hope that by recording my findings that I will better comprehend the world and myself.

Seasons

Frost draws closer each coming day. I do not regret the summer's passing and I embrace the cold, but only for a time. Months line up and there is only grey skies and the death of hues, chilled winds and particles of falling ice. I predict that in the most frigid hour that I will yearn for radiant suns and parted skies once again. And then the cycle goes.

September

It was at around this time that I had fallen with an illness of the heart. Ambient and sorrow filled lyrics filled my ear waves so that I could drown out the truth on the outside. I had recoiled to myself and only myself- it was indeed such a physical pain. I couldn't find my appetite, so I watched my form shrink dangerously and quickly in just a matter of weeks. Fatigue and lying about the house filled my days as forgotten school work piled in a messy corner of the room in which I confined myself to solitude. Looking back now, I scoff at that pitiful image of myself because what I had been tormented over amounted to nothing. He is faceless and the things we shared were insignificant and small. My distress was based on the fact that there would never be a possible nother. And that thought is what ate me from the inside out. I struck fright in people by the enormous shift in energy, my family specifically. I had no longer been the first born child or the older sibling, I was a mere nameless ghost walking the halls of this house. Ah, but what great timing that a foreign hand should reach out and rescue me from my demons. With eyes bluest and bright. I had begun to feel again, and I found that the numbness of the emotional pain was beginning to subside slowly. Still being in that negative state of mind, I thought that the convenience of it was too good to be true, that it wouldn't last. Nothing good ever lasted for me for as far back as I can remember, so why should this? Ah, but such glory. It has lasted for nearly 365 days. Now fattened up and high on happiness like never before, I will never forget the month of September. I will always remember it as one of metamorphosis and transition.

These Bonds

I've been thinking about old bonds. Ones still whole, others artificial, and others severed. Some distant, some new. It's been a heavy load to carry- all these changes in my bonds with other people, whether good or bad. It's really exactly what all the middle aged people say when you graduate High School. "I don't really talk to friends I had in High School anymore." "I lost contact with a lot of my friends from High School when I started college." And so it goes. Garbage, I thought. I could never see such things happening to me. But they did. In ways I am glad that this common thing occurred. Yes, I had lost many people I knew and cared for but I met new people too. And I'm beginning to see just how much the influence of people with different lifestyles and personalities have on me. I feel my fibers mixing and twisting in new ways, shaping a much different person. I have always changed, unbeknownst to myself and though not necessarily a bad thing, to fit in and find my little nitch in groups that I meet.